I sort of cheated with the title of this post. It’s going to be less “how to argue” and more “with what mindset to walk into a discussion”. Today, we all have super fast access to facts at our finger tips, one would have thought that would bring us all together as we all gravitate towards the truth, but nothing could be further from reality.
The reality is there is no one truth. There are versions of a story that are consistent with our world views. When we hear something that challenges our world views, we feel threatened. This is the same kind of threat our ancestors faced in the wild and it produces nearly an identical flight or fight response. We all have noticed our counterparts flare up and get angry. You can bet nothing fruitful ever emanates from two parties that are dealing with their prehistoric brains in a fight for survival. Here’s a few tips you can keep in mind while walking into an argument.
- The zeroth law of walking into an argument is to have an open mind and be curious about learning more about your counterparts. You really can’t fake this. The idea of a discussion or a debate should be to expand the combined consciousness of the group and not to “win” the other side over. In short, be curious about the other opinions.
- Start by laying down the points of agreement. Starting with the common ground allows everyone to start on a positive note. Seek out integration instead of pushing your ideas or trying to win.
- Focus on one or two main arguments. When we use many arguments our opponents can get fixated on the weakest one and counter those.
- Beware reactance (when people disagree with what they are being told, despite originally agreeing with it). Fight the urge to correct people. This is especially important as more facts never help. People make opinions aka snap judgements and then once made, don’t let facts get in their way.
- The simplest way to disarming your counterparts is to start by addressing their emotions. You can also use the opportunity to settle them down and make them feel safe by saying you’re not challenging their views or trying to change their opinions. In every discussion we all want to project ourselves in a certain way. Understand that your counterpart is also trying to project some face and let them have it. Acknowledge their status.
- Don’t stick to common scripted arguments. Use novelty as our brains are wired to seek novelty. When you’re interesting, people pay attention to what you’re saying.
- Try to control your anger and emotions. Do not escalate. Only use anger and hostility carefully, rarely, and it should ideally come as a surprise.
Most of these tips come from the two books Conflicted and You’re not listening. I highly recommend both.
I run a startup called Harmonize. We are hiring and if you’re looking for an exciting startup journey, please write to jobs@harmonizehq.com. Apart from this blog, I tweet about startup life and practical wisdom in books.